Grieving a Loss That Does Not Leave

No one who is grieving compares one grief to another.

Pain and loss are personal, not categorical. Pain is what the suffering person says it is. It is experienced as such and there is no comfort in hearing about someone whose story is worse.

Yet, there is a process of healing that can be accessed when the grief has a definition, as with a death or a divorce. If you say, my husband died or my wife divorced me, a common response is “When did that happen?” This frame of time lends reality and eventually you begin to withdraw energy from this relationship that no longer exists.

The loss that is equally real, but for which there is no defined time to frame the grief, includes cognitive disorders such as dementia.

There is an excruciating agony in looking into a familiar face and seeing a stranger. How long does it take to not be stunned when a voice so familiar responds in anger rather than agreement? When do you stop expecting an embrace and accept the reality that your presence creates no interest?

Is there a way to have a memorial service for the loss of a dream, a hope or an expectation?

Can you release the relationship you once enjoyed and embrace a new one with someone who has the same picture ID but a different personality?

Maybe you start by saying “Goodbye” and then make a decision to say “Hello”. The hello acknowledges the new relationship. Maybe the hello can be marked by a date allowing the benefit of a time frame.

You probably won’t print an obituary or get a sympathy card. No one will send money for a memorial, but it is very precious to have a friend or two that will say, “I see, I care, and I’m here with you”.

And maybe somebody will like your blog.

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Are Bare Trees Happy?

In conversation with an older friend, I heard her say, “The trees are losing their leaves.” She continued, “I love it. They are so happy to not have to hold the weight of all those green leaves.”

Because I have heard iconoclastic comments from this friend before, I did not ask her to repeat. But I did take some time to ponder.

Growing up in the heavily wooded paradise of central Wisconsin, the beauty of fall was always a reason to be proud of where we lived. Each year the explosion of beauty seemed to outdo the year before.

But, the green leaves changing to red, gold and yellow meant the tree would stand naked for the winter. Somehow it represented death and not until spring did we talk about new life.

If I had been asked to put an emotional label on a tree with no leaves I would have chosen “sad”.

But, now maybe not.

Is it possible to think of a tree crowded with leaves as busy? Is it possible that being set free from the responsibility of each and all of these leaves provides freedom? Is it possible to look at this transition as a gain and not a loss?

It’s been five months now since I have had to attend a meeting, prepare a budget or evaluate my last annual review.

Am I happy that my leaves have drifted from my branches? Yes.

Do I feel free? Not yet. I am recognizing that learning to live without imposed business puts me at risk for self- imposed business. I am asking, “When did I ever have time to work?”

I am going to process my loss and learn to celebrate the gain.

I will bend with the wind, allow myself to be pruned, be available to be the wood needed for a cross, or let children climb on me.

I am not at the end of anything. I will lean into Jesus shoulder and listen for his heartbeat. There will be no rustling leaves to muffle his voice.

Yes, bare trees have potential to be ecstatically happy

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I’m Going to Keep Singing

You say you want me to sing like when I was a child. It was fun to sing then. My voice was clear. I sang alone when I was three and everyone smiled. I harmonized at home as family and friends stood around the piano. I sang loud then just because I wanted to. I was in a triple trio in High School. There my voice blended. My voice was welcome. I never wondered if I could sing. I just did. It was fun.

Now I wonder if I can sing. I don’t think the years have been kind to the tone and quality of my voice. It doesn’t sound to me like a voice that should be recognized in a group. I certainly should never sing a solo. I love harmony but I am not sure anymore if I am hitting the right key. In church it could be that the person sitting next to me wishes they had sat somewhere else.

But Jesus tells me He wants to hear me sing to Him. He misses my voice.

I’ve placed my hands on my throat and prayed that my vocal cords be restored. I’ve prayed for more breath.

I would welcome the gift of a great voice. I’d love to be a blessing when I break into song.

But I wonder if Jesus cares how I sound. I wonder if He wants me to close my ears to my own sound and sing again with freedom. Sing because I have reason to sing. Sing because He told me He misses my songs.

Maybe I can be a blessing to Jesus and even those who hear me, not because they wonder if I am Juilliard trained but because I am obviously in love with the One to whom I am singing.

My Lover has asked me to sing. He already knows how I will sound. He is more interested in how my singing will make both of us feel. And how my singing will bridge me deeper into His Presence.

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I Cooked It

I have been completely at ease simply confessing, “I don’t cook”. The universal response has been, “That’s OK. You don’t have to”.

When I have a few friends for a meal I go to a Deli and after I follow the reheating directions on the package I move it into my casserole dish so it looks like I cooked it. Then I tell the people where I bought it and how I disguised it and everyone laughs.

Yesterday my friend asked me, “Would you like to learn to cook today?”

I surprised myself by saying, “Yes”.

She then instructed me to choose something to coat a baking pan.

I chose olive oil.

Then she said I should arrange the lamb chops in the pan.

The next step was something to tenderize them. She said I could use wine or lemon juice.

I chose wine.

Then she said, “Now pick some spices you like and sprinkle them across the top”.

I asked, “What spices and how much?”

She answered, “Choose the spices you like and just use some. Sprinkle some wine or teriyaki on top if you want to.”

Then she said to cover with tin foil and bake and 325 for 50 minutes. The last 10 minutes I was told to take the cover off to brown the chops.

(I already knew how to preheat an oven).

We had a delicious meal last night.

I didn’t know it would be fun. I thought it would be like a chemistry project that had a good chance of being a disaster.

Is this another story of freedom and grace?

There are some absolute rules but most of it is what and how much would taste good to you.

Everyone should have such a friend. “Once you start measuring and following complicated recopies it’s not fun anymore”.

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Stories these Hands Could Tell

I am not very often conscious of my hands. Most days they are awesome gifts of skill and dexterity that I simply take for granted.

.But today I noticed my hands. It was intriguing to me that they looked like old hands. I almost wondered if they were really mine. They are markedly wrinkled and there are several brown spots that remind me of how my grandmother’s hands looked.

Now that I am paying attention to my hands, I am aware that the skin is thin and tears easily if I scrape against something. I’m also reminded that they have lost strength. Or is it that everything is packaged more securely and lids are tighter than they once were? In any case, I need to find a tool of some sort to simply open almost anything.

Yet, I am so grateful, not only for these hands, but also for the stories these hands could tell.

Let’s imagine these hands can talk and listen as they remember:

“We didn’t expect the tongue of a small calf to be so rough. When we were teaching this calf to drink from a pail we would help by placing some of the milk mixed with vitamin powder right into her mouth. It was fun to watch the little guy learn to do it by herself”.

“We didn’t expect it would be so hard to squeeze the part of the mother cow that the milk comes from. It looked easy but you have to press hard and pull hard just to get a few squirts”

“It’s really hard to get cucumber stain off. After picking we were covered with a coating of ugly stain. I know we could have protected ourselves with gloves but that slows down the picking and makes a hot day even hotter”.

“Before our family got a bathroom inside we learned lessons from what was called the “out house”. There was no toilet paper, only a catalogue from Sears or Montgomery Ward. It didn’t take long to learn that it is best to skip the shinny stiff colored pages and just use the thinner plain pages that were easier to crumble. “

“Some of the catalogues were spared a trip to the outhouse. We cut these up to make what we called, “Catalogue Paper Dolls”. We had a small scissor and we cut out whole families and furnished their house. We even cut toys for the children”.

“You have to really hold on tight to a cane pole when a pan fish the size of a dinner plate grabs the worm not knowing there is a hook in it. Then when you finally pull it in, it’s hard to describe how strong and slippery that fish is. Sometimes we wished there were four of us instead of just two”.

“We remember letting the girl we are attached to arrange our fingers so she could say, “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open up the doors and see all the people.”

“Some memories are life changing, too. Like on her confirmation day when this girl knelt at the alter and held us open. The pastor, in a clerical collar and gown, placed a thin wafer into us and said, “This is the body of Christ”.

I’ll stop here with imaging my hands are talking. The stories could go on and on.

I’ll simply end for today by expressing thanksgiving that my hands are still being held by the nail scarred Hand of the One Who loves me.

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Thoughts on Father’s Day

My Dad has been in heaven for nearly 20 years. Today I wish I could have 5 minutes with him. We wouldn’t need to talk. We could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking.

This aspect of our relationship has made communication with God quite natural.

Yet, my prayers are most often addressed to Jesus. He is the one I run to, lean on, and from Whom I expect a response.

Today I was intentional in addressing each person of the Trinity for the purpose of dialoguing about this communication pattern. I specifically asked why I talk more often and more easily to Jesus than I do to Father or Holy Spirit.

“They” individually answered me.

Father God said, “I love to see you and Jesus together and I love to hear you talk. It brings me great joy to watch you grow into His likeness”.

Holy Spirit said, “I actually set up the encounters you have with Jesus”.

The Trinity laughed. We laughed together and then “They” said to me, “We are cool”.

My DAD has been in heaven for eternity Today I had all the time I wanted with Him. We didn’t need to talk. We just looked at each other and knew what the other was thinking.

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People Pass Me on the Trail

That is what happens when your body ages

I wonder why we try so hard to convince others and ourselves that this is not true.

Why are anti-aging creams, oils, and even surgery so popular?

My husband’s mother once told him, “You are going to get old if you don’t die early”.

Why do we put ourselves in this “no win” dilemma? We don’t want to die early but we don’t want to get old.

As I was walking today, on the recreational trail behind out house, a young couple, speaking a language I did not understand, passed me up. They seemed to be walking casually, yet their pace was far faster than the one I was exerting effort to maintain.

I wonder if one of the big challenges to aging well is really embracing the fact that our physical bodies are designed for temporary use.

If we can embrace this truth, we will not have to fight so hard to deny it.

It’s easier; of course, if we know that our spirit, indwelt by the Holy Spirit, will never get old or sick.

In the Spirit, I will consistently pass myself up on the trail because my best spiritual days are ahead of me. I can’t wait to see what Papa God has in mind for me.

With that as my focus, I will take good care of this tent that I now live in.

But, because I know from where I have come, whose I am, and where I am going it is actually fun when younger people pass me on the trail.

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Faith Through Aging Eyes

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Below is the link to finding my book on Amazon. Eager to hear your responses.

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Faith Through Aging Eyes

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I invite you to check out my new book on Amazon.com. I am encouraged by “what readers are saying.”

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Taking Time to Unsubscribe

This morning I am paying attention to all the emails that I have habitually deleted only to find another amazing offer from this uninvited inbox guest.

As I unsubscribe, I receive a friendly warning of how deprived my life will be without these notices.

Yet, I confidently find the small faint option that allows me to stop this email. It takes perseverance as the “unsubscribe” box is powerfully overshadowed by bold colored options to accept or continue.

As I reflect on my new season, (this is the fourth day that I have not gone into the office or checked email from work) I wonder if there are many intrusions into my life from which I want to unsubscribe .

As I consider this, I notice that much of the junk mail directed toward my heart actually originates with me. Yes, I am the sender.

I invite you to take some time and check out the messages that you are embracing.

Some come from God, some from our enemy and some from ourselves. Guided by the Holy Spirit we can embrace and delete. Just remember that if you never want the message again you have to unsubscribe. That’s one step deeper than deleting.

“Sum up at night what thou hast done by day. And in the morning what thou hast to do. Dress and undress thy soul. Mark the decay and growth of it.”

 George Herbert

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