An Unexpected Conversation

Posted on August 15, 2011 by jroesler728

The following record of a conversation between my mother and me is an example of how we learned to talk to each other when she was diagnosed with severe dementia and needing help with basic physical care and astute supervision. She lived a year after this event.

I learned not to try to correct everything she said and tried to make it fun. I recognize that all of this was possible because I was granted the gift of a friend who carried the heavy load of personal care for Mom.

I picture the following conversation as happening in the bathroom as she was getting her morning sponge bath. This particular morning as I was “routinely” getting Mom ready for the day she said, “I’ll be clean when I get to heaven.”

“Are you planning on going to heaven?”

“Yes, I’m going tonight.”

“Are you glad?”

“Yes, aren’t you?”

“Well, I’ll miss you.”

“I won’t miss you. I’ll be in heaven. I’ll see Daddy there.”

“Will you tell him I miss him.?”

“Sure.”

“Well, I hope you have a nice trip.”

“Jesus will carry me in His arms.”

“Do you want to go naked or do you want to wear something?”

“I’ll go naked because I’ll get a beautiful robe when I get there.”

“OK.”

“Brrrrrrr!”

“Would you like to wear something down here so you won’t be so cold until Jesus gets here?”

“Yes, I think that would be a good idea.”

What have you learned from people with dementia? Can you identify the caregivers sent from God?

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A Prayer for a Steadfast Story

Posted on August 12, 2011 by jroesler728

Our Father in heaven, my heart is filled with worship. I am especially grateful today for your story. You created us to walk with you but we decided to cut own path. Then, you created a way back through faith in your Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ. After He died for our disobedience he rose in resurrection power. Now Your Holy Spirit is released to live in us. Our eternal journey with you begins here on earth. In your grace you have written a personal story for each of us. You have knit us together in our mother’s womb and numbered our days. You have designed a course that advances Your Kingdom. You have uniquely equipped each of us to run the race marked out for us. This means you have written a story for me to live out!!!

After a weekend of class reunion celebration, I have thought a lot about my story. Its beginnings, its twists and turns, its joy and pain. I want to tell you I am sorry for the many times I have outlined the next chapter without reading your script. For the many times I have been discontented wanting a different plot line with different characters. I realize today that, like everyone in my age group, I have more history than future (in this tent). I want this time of reflection to be a new turning point where I choose to stick more carefully to the story Jesus has written for me. Make me aware of when I delete from or add to His script.

Father, from this day forward, I want my history to be His Story. Heavenly Father, thank you for writing a story for me. Holy Spirit, come be my editor. I pray in your name and for your sake, Jesus.

Amen

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Quilting Old Memories

Posted on August 10, 2011 by jroesler728

What do you do when after 50 years you have a whole weekend to spend with your best friend from childhood? The natural place for us to start was to get in the car and drive to and through the places where our memories were created.

We were able to map out a circular route that included our childhood churches, family grave sites, our one room schoolhouse, our favorite river. As we rode along together our conversation flowed as fast as the river. Our words flowed over each other like the water on the rocks. Memories were quilted together as we each remembered scraps of stories, working to piece them together and stitch them into place.

“Who was that old couple that had the parrot? We stopped at their house when we were trick or treating.” “Where is the farm of those two brothers?” (The one was big, noisy and played the violin. The other was small, quiet and timid.) “Drive slow here so you can see what has happened to this house.” Sometimes a place that had once been “picture perfect” was now trashed. But other places that once were dilapidated had been renovated to stunning beauty. 

Scanning the landscapes of former farms everything looked overgrown and untended. Fields that once were proud of their freshly plowed razor straight furrows were invaded with random brush. Rows of regal pine trees that pointed to the skies once supported strong branches laden with needles hugging the ground. In their place now stood long bare tree trunks with irregular shapes and only a few drooping branches. “They are old now,” my friend explained.

“This road has changed! It is one big curve instead of a left turn. Where is the river? They can change the road but they can’t possibly have moved the river!!”

My friend interrupted my rambling by asking, “What are you feeling?”

“Emotions are crashing in,” I said. “A part of me wonders why I ever left this place. Another part of me is needing to recognize that the place I left is not here anymore.”

Now, as I write this with the benefit of reflection, I am filled with gratitude for the relationship that provides the backing for this quilt. It is strong, easy, mutually encouraging and fun. Fifty years is not long enough to weaken the fabric woven on the loom of childhood friendship.

Do you have a childhood friend with whom you could quilt memories? Share your stories with us we would love to hear them.

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When God Does Nothing

Posted on August 8, 2011 by jroesler728

When we hurt we look for relief. Pain control is a major factor in medical protocol. No one expects pain that does not respond to treatment. There are so many options, so many approaches. There must be something that will work.

Pain that does not respond is hard to watch, especially if you have a face for the one who suffers and the one who suffers is your friend. When pain prevails, the one who is helplessly watching looks in desperation to the stories of Jesus in the hope of reconciling suffering and faith.

Is there something to learn from the story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus, close friends of Jesus? The sisters, Mary and Martha, say to Jesus, “Lord, the one (Lazarus) you love so well is sick.” The response of Jesus is stunning. He does nothing.

There is much more to the story, but for now, let’s remind ourselves of the sentence structure. The order of the words enable us to grieve, but not as those who have no hope.

LORD: Risen, Powerful, Sovereign, Omnipresent, Omniscient.

The one you love so well: the father loves the one I love in the same way as He loves Jesus (John 15:9). 

Is sick: For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

The enemy of our souls would turn this focus on its head by saying,

Is sick: this sickness produces questions that have no answer. Therefore, God is neither powerful nor caring.

Is sick: The one you let slip through the cracks. This sickness is a measuring stick for determining God’s love and love fails.

Lord: Impotent, Distracted, Distant, Unknowing, Uncaring.

The content of this post expresses my daily struggle. I cannot yet say I have won the emotional victory, but my fervent prayer is Lord, May the size of the words and the order of their utterance express my faith and your faithfulness.

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The Taproot

Posted on August 5, 2011 by jroesler728

I visited a family home this week in preparation for a memorial service for the mother.  She and her husband had been married for 54 years and had lived in this house for most of that time. They have raised four (now adult) children here and until some very recent updates, the house has remained relatively unchanged in its arrangements and décor.

During our conversation the husband pointed me to a large weeping willow tree in the back yard. He explained to me that he had planted it about 45 years ago. He said that for the first five years it did nothing. Every year, during those first five, he had to secure it with new stakes and a protective fence so that the wind and snow would not destroy it. Finally after five years it took off on its own and now towers over the property with regal strength.

The widower said that he learned the reason for the five years of dormancy and the subsequent growth. It was necessary for the tree to develop a taproot that went deep enough to access water. Once that taproot had a water supply the tree grew and the external protection was no longer needed. 

I borrowed this story at his wife’s memorial service. I compared the tree to our personal journey and identified the water as Jesus. Until our hearts encounter the Living Water we, too, need to be propped up in all kinds of temporary ways.

I challenged the attendees at the memorial service, I challenge myself, and I challenge the readers of this BLOG to drink deeply and daily from Jesus, the well of life and sustainer of our way.

Do you have stories from ordinary life that can be borrowed for recognizing Jesus?

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The Ministry of Presence

Posted on August 3, 2011 by jroesler728

The younger woman (50) was navigating the memorial service visitation for her mother’s unexpected death. The older woman (75) was one of the visitors who came. The younger woman’s grief was amplified by family relationships of wounding and estrangement. There was a palpable tension in the environment of the funeral home. Then the entry door opened and the older woman appeared. I want to say she walked in but she really kind of dragged herself in. Her own chronic deteriorating illness makes it difficult for her to walk for more than 10 feet without stopping for breath. She made it to a chair in the foyer and literally slumped into it. When the younger woman was made aware of her presence she ran to her, threw her arms around her and sobbed. Then the younger woman was heard to say, “I’ll be OK now.” I, as the privileged observer of this healing moment, whispered, “This is your family.” The younger woman said, “I know.” What did the older woman do? The short answer is “She came.” How can one explain the power of this bond? One reason is that these two women have prayed together every week for years. Another, less tangible reason, is the mystery of the ministry of presence. When have you been blessed just because someone came?

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Your Room Is Ready

Posted on August 1, 2011 by jroesler728

When Jesus walked on earth He often used stories from ordinary lives to teach the character of God and His passion for a relationship with us. The Holy Spirit is continuing to use our life events to reveal or remind us of spiritual truth. An example of this is the current email exchanges with my childhood friend as we plan our reunion.

We’ve known each other for over 60 years. We were inseparable during our elementary school days but have not nurtured our friendship for the last 50 years. Now, my husband and I are going to stay in her home for the weekend of our 50th class reunion.

Here are excerpts from yesterday’s email exchange: “Two weeks and we’ll be there” “Your room is ready.” ‘I can’t wait.” “All I want is to be with you. Nothing else matters.” (Written in response to a self-description of not being a perfect housekeeper and being limited by health constraints.) “My eyes are teared over at your eagerness and my excitement.”

The anticipation of this reunion readily recalls the words of Jesus describing His plans for our joining Him at the place He is preparing for us. From John 14, “Let not your heart be troubled. I go to prepare a place for you.” From John 17, “I want you to be where I am.” From Isaiah 30:18, “…The Lord longs to be gracious to you.”

May we not miss God’s grace in presenting us with parables for connecting with Him. What parables is He using in your story?

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Prayer-the Start of our Day

Posted on July 29, 2011 by jroesler728

by Shirlee Vandegrift

Lord God,

Every morning when we wake up, even before we get up, we should thank You for the night past and thank You for the day ahead. We are sorry for the times when we start the new day without You. We let our thoughts, our concerns, our anxieties, our plans take over our next hours, Where do Your plans fit in the time from morn ’til night? Where is the behavior You want followers to exhibit? Where is our obedience, our thoughtfulness, our compassion, our gratitude?

If we run ahead of You, do we miss the joy of following? Yes! If we run ahead of you, do we miss the comfort You freely give? Yes! If we start out without Your lead, will we ever experience the blessings You long to lavish upon us? No! Without Your lead, will we ever be able to introduce others to You? No!

Father, we are here at this time and in this place to make this the start of our day today. Thank You for the night past. Thank You for the day ahead. Thank You for Your Son, Jesus!

Amen

Taken from A Month of Sundays, A Devotional by Shrilee A. Vandegrift

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The Piece Doesn’t Fit

Posted on July 28, 2011 by jroesler728

Once in a while we would buy a puzzle from the dime store. It would have a picture on the front and when the pieces were turned right side up you could tell that they belonged somewhere in that puzzle because of their shading and shape. It is very unsettling to get most of the puzzle together and realize that there are a couple of pieces that will fit nowhere. (They must belong to another box but who knows where or what?)

This is the feeling I have today as I hear about the tragic outbreak of violence in Norway. This is the country of my heritage. The emigrant community I grew up in did not have locks for our doors. This is the country I visit where I can rest, trust, watch whole families walk together in the parks on Sunday and hear stories of how the king shops for groceries with everyone else.

I have nowhere to put this piece of news that a youth camp was invaded and a place of refuge is now referred to as hell. This same dilemma presents when I try to put the pieces of my life experience into the framework of what I perceive to be Christian pilgrimage or biblical Christianity. I read promises of how God will respond when we are faithful. Most of the time the pieces fit but there is usually one or two that seem to have come from a different box. For me this is the suffering of a friend or the dashed hopes of someone I love. I can’t throw out the whole puzzle but I can’t throw away the pieces either. I need to decide if my faith is based on what I can see or on the One Who sees what I can’t see.

Do the pieces not fit because I don’t see the bigger picture? Is my frame too small? God grant me the grace to trust you when life doesn’t fit easily into place. May I yield that which I cannot explain because I know the signature on the puzzle is love.

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No More Patches

Posted on July 27, 2011 by jroesler728

 It seemed normal in our childhood for someone to patch a worn piece of clothing so that its use could be extended. Today, we only see patches on new clothing as a fashion statement.

It seemed normal in our childhood to take a broken thing to a repair shop so it could be fixed.  Today, even if you can find someone who knows how to fix things, it is often more expensive to repair than to buy a new one.

 We have learned to view everything as designed for temporary use. Everything, that is, except our bodies. Even though the Bible clearly teaches that our bodies are tents designed for temporary use there is something within us that is driven to patch it one more time.

How do we know when medical efforts have been maximized and further treatment will have no benefit? The medical community is hesitant to make this decision. Doctors live under the pressure of legal liability. They also struggle to maintain the image we have imposed upon them, that of having a patch that will keep our tent from leaking or collapsing altogether.

It is only a culture of prayerful dependence that will set us free to yield to the inevitable “let’s not patch this anymore” and transfer the expiration date of the tent to the One who made it.  

I am grateful for the models I have had, who have utilized all medical means, but when all have been exhausted, have been able to say that enough is enough.

Several years ago I heard Professor Stan Hauerwas say that most Christians die as practical atheists. This was said in the context of acting as though the end of life in these tents is the end of life. 

Let’s pray for each other that we may demonstrate that the end of life in these tents sets us free to be swallowed up by life.  Then, when medical intervention has exhausted its effectiveness,  we will be free to say “No more patches.”

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