When My Heart Is Too Heavy

I’m giving my imagination freedom to stage some potential scenes.

Tonight I am picturing a waiting room of people who are bringing their stories to Jesus. His office is not a closed-door room but rather a type of stage that enables me to see and hear his interactions with those who have registered ahead of me.

I watch as a mother glowingly tells Him that even though her daughter has lost a leg to cancer their faith has been strengthened and their love for Him has deepened.

I listen as a man tells of the return of his son. Tears flow down his face as he recounts the joy of a restored relationship.

I will be next.

I know the story I was hoping to bring. I know the story I was expecting to bring. But, the real story is not what I have hoped or expected. I don’t know how to reconcile my shattered dreams with what I know of the character of Jesus. I have to decide if I take my turn and walk into His Presence with my fear and confusion or if I just leave and let someone else go next.

My heart is too heavy to make a decision. I sleep for a while and when I awake I look to the stage again. I can’t tell what Jesus is doing. He doesn’t look like he is paying attention.

The thought crosses my mind that maybe my story is so agonizing because I have misunderstood my assignment. Did I pick up the wrong homework? Have I spent the majority of my life on a project I have crafted for myself?

When my hopes began to fade did I create in my own mind a “calling” that I have attributed to Him and therefore spiritualized my suffering? I know a jury of peers would look with critical pity on my story and scold me for my unwillingness to recognize my relentless pursuit of a failing endeavor.

I wonder if Jesus will do the same?

I glance at the magazine table beside me. I see the cover page “Has God really said?” The article questions the promises of God. I try to see who has authored this but cannot as the name is smudged.

I look again at the stage and see Jesus writing something. He hands the note to a messenger who gives it to me. I read, “The enemy is threshing you, but I am praying for you that your faith does not fail.”

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1 Response to When My Heart Is Too Heavy

  1. Roselyn says:

    Thank you for sharing your insights and struggles. It’s wonderful to picture Jesus waiting for us to enter a room without any obstacles and speak to Him face to face. I pray that His presence will be your constant companion through every challenge that you face and that you can always celebrate His abundant blessings. Dr. Ann Thyle, India

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